Cue Laughtrack

If my life were a sitcom...

The fact that I was supposed to get my paycheck last FRIDAY and still have not gotten it this TUESDAY when they were mailed out LAST Monday would be funny. When I asked the Employee Service Center to stop-payment on the check, secretly I would've been devising a secret ploy to get by. I would poach food from the office fridge and live in my dark house lit with candles. When the cold snap hit, I would sleep in the office unaware that I was being watched by security cameras while I scurried around in my avacado mask and pink PJ's. Hilarity would obviously ensue and at the end of the 30 minute episode, I would find my check somewhere obscure like in the fridge or the dog's bed.

Instead, I borrowed money from my parents (thank God there was some money to borrow...) and am pinching pennies hoping when they said I would get my check "next Wednesday at the earliest" as that's how long it takes to confirm that I didn't REALLY get the money and, I don't know, hide it in my sock drawer or something and oh by the way "we only issue off-side payments on certain days and we're sorry if you have automatic payments that may bounce now but...that's not really our problem." they were greatly overestimating.

I didn't even check the mail today out of fear that the damn check would be staring up at me from the mailbox.

Now THAT would be funny...in a really sick and twisted sort of way.

Julie's Wedding Part Two - Copping Out

So it's a week later and I still haven't finished talking about Julie's Wedding Day! I wish I had been on the ball and been the first one to post a recap. Unfortunately, I wasn't and now, I can't really think of anything to say that hasn't been said already.

It was fun!

It was beautiful!

Karl is an uglier cryer than I am!

So, I'm copping out! I feel as if I've recapped it sufficiently on Facebook (if you're my friend on Facebook, you can go check out the approximately 5,000 photos I am now tagged in, if you're not my friend on Facebook, you should be) via Twitter, and in person! Also, I'm on a writing tangent right now that has to do with COMPLETELY different things and am having trouble refocusing my attention on the wedding. It's the ADD, I can't help it.

And if you want a real recap from someone less lazy than I, please click here, here, here, and here. WHAT?? There was a LOT of wedding to cover!

Good things coming this week. Like what you ask?? I bought a pair of skinny jeans today. OH YES I DID. So now, I own leggings AND skinny jeans. That sound you just heard was Faith dropping dead.

Julie & Karl's Wedding - Part the First

So, there's not a chance in hell that this is going to fit in just one post. Or even just two. So, sit back, relax, and let me tell you about Julie & Karl's wedding!!

I arrived in Victoria Friday afternoon to Julie having finally reached her breaking point. The venue's coordinator had finally pushed her (and I think her mom too) over the edge. Mom went back inside to deal with the mess while I threatened to cut a bitch and/or have Karl come over and throw her in the pool. I also offered up use of my pharmaceuticals (that's why everyone is friends with me, I have the good drugs!). The wedding party finally all arrived and we set about getting the ballroom set up for the reception.

Here's the table set up. The floral centerpieces hadn't arrived yet (obvs) but the candlescapes were all ready to go!
John's "job" was to expertly sprinkle Hershey's Kisses on each table. This is the sweetheart table where he made the Bride and Groom a heart.

John: Look guys, I made a heart for Karl and Julie!!

Every woman in the room: Awwwww!! That is so sweet!!

Faith (John's wife): You're gay.

The table of Engagement Photos. I think out of all of them, my fav. is the one of their shoes!

This was definitely my favorite table. Julie & Karl are in the middle. On the right are old wedding photos from Karl's side of the family and on the left, old wedding photos from Julie's side of the family. You can't see them all very well, but there were some really old, and really pretty photographs!

After the reception was set up, we all changed into some nicer clothes and headed to the rehearsal. I don't have any photos of it, but I'm fairly certain we frightened the poor Pastor with all of our skipping and dancing down the aisles and our complete inability to stop giggling.

After rehearsing, of course we had the Rehearsal Dinner. The restaurant had a real, honest to God, salad bar. I thought restaurants got rid of those years ago? (The salad bar was fabulous by the way) We ate very good that night, I assure you! The only mishap was when the waiter spilled a glass of water on the Groom's Mother who just happened to be picking up the tab that evening...oops!!

After we stuffed ourselves, Karl got up to show us just how nervous he was. Poor guy was sweating buckets. Faith is right, he should've gotten the cream.

When the rehearsal was over, we headed to Target where Faith, Stephanie and I stocked up on their new brand of boxed wine (DUDE: They're JUICE BOXES!! With WINE in them! And they taste good!! WIN!!). We spent the evening with our feet in the hot tub just being lazy. Probably a good thing because Wedding Day would prove to be a busy one!

Ah Motherhood

Today is my Dad's 65th Birthday which, among other things, means he officially retired (lucky!). So tonight we had a dinner party at his favorite restaurant to celebrate. This had been in the works for a few weeks, and my sister's friend had graciously offered up her babysitting services for the evening. That was all well and good until a couple of days ago when my dad suddenly decided he wanted the WHOLE family there, Colin included. I argued but Dad pulled the Birthday/Retirement card so I lost.

It was all going pretty well. I managed to field some off color remarks from one of my aunts without punching anyone and aside from the fact that he barely ate (not abnormal, the child could subsist on air for weeks) Colin was being marginally well behaved. When we cut the cake and Colin refused his piece because he had a headache, I should've known something was up, but, I had been on his case about sitting down and behaving himself so I knew he was upset with me. Usually, when he complains about not feeling well, it means he's mad about something. In fact, "I don't feel well" in our house is code for "you've gone and pissed me off and now I'm going to make you pay. Commence Mach 5 whining." When he came around a few minutes later and told me he wanted some cake after all, I figured he'd gotten over whatever had upset him. He barely touched the cake though and then turned on the whining full throttle. It was past his bedtime and even though I knew we should be getting home, I wanted to eat my cake, and talk to some people and finish my glass of wine before we took off. (bad, selfish Mommy) He climbed up in my lap and whined in my ear about how tired he was while I ate and chatted and that's when it happened.

Suddenly, he sat up, looked at me kind of funny and puked everywhere. And I mean EVERYWHERE. All over himself, all over me, in my hair, on my mom's friend who happened to be sitting next to me and probably most disgustingly, down my dress. There was puke in between my boobs. And it was BLUE. SEX-AY. It took me a second to process what was happening before I scooped him up and off to the bathroom. I stripped him down and tried to clean him up a bit before we headed home where he threw up twice more before passing out on the couch, poor baby. I'm hoping it's just a small bug and he'll be over it by tomorrow seeing as I have to go out of town. He's not coming with me, but I will feel absolutely, horrendously guilty if I have to leave my sick baby.

Life taught me some good lessons tonight. First of all, next time the kid tells me he has a headache, we're going directly home. Second of all, I was just bragging earlier today that Colin seems to be immune to pretty much everything nowadays and hardly ever gets sick. Ha ha karma, see if I ever do THAT again. Finally, being a mother gives you some pretty awesome (though completely useless) talents. Before we left my sister looked at me (I was COVERED and oddly enough didn't even try to clean myself up. I was just trying to get out.of.public.place.) and said "what IS that??" I studied my dress and said "chips, lucky charms, some rice, a little bit of cake icing and some lemonade". Disgusting, but absolutely true.

Perhaps funniest of all was my mom's friend whom I consider to be an expert parent, especially when it comes to parenting boys (she has 4 of them after all). While I was running around the bathroom trying to mop Colin up, she told me "It's not the last time it'll happen hun, K threw up on me when he was 21!"

Oh the things I have to look forward to.

Cleaning Out My Closet

Not figuratively, literally.

And oh my lord what a task it was. I have a hard time getting rid of almost anything. This is especially true for clothing. I love clothes. LOVE them. I mean, how could I do such a thing? They're perfectly good clothes (er...in some cases). What if I wake up one morning and decide that I DON'T hate asymmetrical hemlines with a passion? What if I age 400 years overnight and suddenly LOVE that old lady shirt my well intentioned grandmother bought me? What if I lose all of the baby weight (Yes, I CAN still call it that, it came from that baby, even if it was 5 years ago!) and the post baby hips, AND get my old thighs back? What?? It could happen? On that note, what if I de-age 5-8 years and it's suddenly appropriate to wear all of those midriff baring, super sexy, meant for college girls that DON'T have children at home tops? What if someone invents a way to repair my old favorite designer jeans that have absolutely no denim left in the butt? WHAT WILL I DO THEN, HUH??? And of course, what if I wake up one morning and find I am 7 months pregnant and I have nothing to wear? I'll certainly be glad I have those wayward maternity tops hanging around THEN won't I? Don't you people watch "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"???

**Sidenote: Yes, there were still maternity clothes in my closet. No, you did not miss anything, I only have the one and he was evicted from my uterus over 5 years ago. What's your point?**

So, I did it. I went through the whole closet. All of those things mentioned above now reside in a ginormous rubbermaid container. Yes, I know most of it should be residing in the trash. Baby steps.

Now for the kicker. My "closet" consists of the closet in my master bedroom as well as a small portion of Colin's closet (What? He's a BOY! And he's small! He's not using it!) and...uhm...confession time. All of my clothes STILL don't fit in my own closet. I know, I know!! But hey, it took me years and years to accumulate all of these clothes (new confession: I still have some stuff from high school, no lie), it's going to take more than one clean sweep to get rid of them all. And don't worry no good clothes will go unworn! I'm going to let my sister and possibly some of her friends pick through them and give the rest of the wearable stuff away to charity. As for my poor, old buttless Sevens...I guess it's time to let them go. Le sigh.

And just in case you were wondering, no, I still don't have a thing to wear!

Things I Have Learned About Myself

OK, so I am having some serious writer's block! I've composed half a post about Julie's Bachelorette Party which I fully intend to finish, just as soon as some words besides "awesome" "super fun" and "totally rad" come to mind!

Then I was watching this horribly depressing show about children being kidnapped (which some of you know is my absolute WORST FEAR EVER) and I started to compose a post in my head about this very fear and how it's quite possibly tied to the fact that one of my neighbors was kidnapped and murdered when I was 7, but I started looking up stuff and thinking about it and I started to feel a bit sick and weepy and had to turn off the internet AND TV for awhile so...I figure I'll hold onto that one for a bit too. Or, more likely, I will probably never write about it because it's just one of those things that is entirely too real for me.

Finally, I started thinking about a fairly boring post I've been thinking about for awhile about some new things I've discovered about myself recently. Blame it on the depression, the recession, the fact that I'm just getting old, whatever. I've learned a TON of things about myself that I just really did not know before.

1). I love Educational TV. Give me some NatGeo and the History Channel and I will occupy myself for days. Throw in some Smithsonian Channel and the Biography channel and you might want to send out the search party.
2). I love to read. OK, I already knew that, but really, I have now expanded my reading repertoire to include actual literature instead of fluffy chick lit (not that there's anything wrong with chick lit, I am still its slave). My newest goal has me reading all 100 of Time Magazine's 100 Greatest Novels of All Time. A lofty goal considering I've only read 6, but I'm determined to do it.
3). I love to play cards. My group of friends loves to have game nights. I'll be perfectly honest and say that board games are not my thing. I don't know what it is, they're just not nearly as fun as they were when my choices consisted of Candy Land and Chutes and Ladders. Seriously though, card games?? I can get into. I also find this funny as I know how to explain exactly ZERO card games and must have them explained to ME before I can play. Yet, I can play them for hours.
4). Sitting around and gossipping with the girls on a Saturday night can be way more fun than going out. I feel that one is self explanatory.
5). I LOVE receiving invitations in the mail. Maybe I'm just re-realizing this now because two of my besties are getting married and that combined with birthday festivities of all kinds mean I'm getting an invitation every other day or so right now, but MAN, I LOVE to get invitations! The same goes with little cards, notes, etc. Opening the mailbox and seeing a little colored envelope just makes me so happy!

I also have some new goals. I'm keeping this list shorter for now so as to not overload myself.

1). Read every book on Time Magazines 100 Greatest Novels of All Time list. Already explained that one.
2). I really want to start doing a weekly dinner with my friends. I have dinners with my family, and my friends are like another family to me. And, I don't mean at a restaurant. I mean where we all hole up in the kitchen and cook something then gather around the table to eat, share wine, and just be together. OK, maybe every week is shooting a bit high. Maybe once a month? I don't know. I just think it would be fun. I love spending time with my friends, and I love the idea of all gathering around the table and sharing a meal. Plus, it could save money because it would definitely be a night in! Probably one followed by games!
3). Travel to Europe. This is a goal of convenience because my sister is going to study abroad for 6 months in Italy starting in January. I've never been to Europe and I think this could be my chance to actually go and see the sites! I have visions of Tuscany, Florence, Rome (where she'll be living) and of course Venice. Maybe a day trip to Paris? I don't know, but the trip is DEFINITELY going to happen!!

Yes, so, things are a changing around here! I'm definitely looking forward to more!

More Conversations With A 5-Year Old

One from Yesterday:

Colin: Mommy, you "nessed" up my computer.
Me: Sorry, buddy, mommy needs to print off these papers.
Colin: Mommy, you're not very good at sharing.
Me: ...
Colin: ...
Me: Well, can you share the computer with mommy so she can print out these papers?
Colin: That's not how sharing works, mommy.
Me: ???

And This Evening:

Me: We're going to go to the restaurant where you can get rice for dinner!
Colin: Do they have a playground?
Me: No.
Colin: OK, then, I don't like rice. I don't want it.
Me: *sigh* what do you want then?
Colin: McDonald's
Me: Mommy doesn't want McDonald's, we're going to the other restaurant.
Colin: Why don't you want McDonald's??
Me: Mommy doesn't always....like McDonald's.
Colin: *sigh* EVERYONE loves McDonald's, mommy.
Me: *takes mental note so that someday when he's got a child screaming to go to McDonald's I can chirp in his ear "But Colin, EVERYONE loves McDonald's!"*
**FAST FORWARD THROUGH MORE ARGUING ABOUT THE CULINARY MERITS OF MCDONALD'S**
Colin: I'm not talking to you.
Me: THANK GOD!!!
Colin: ...
Me: ...
Colin: Mommy, I SAID I'm not talking to you.
Me: I know. I'm enjoying the radio.
Colin: ...
Me: ...
Colin: Mommy, you're supposed to be really upset.
Me: How is it that even when you're not talking to me, you're still talking??
Colin: *shrug* I dunno, but I'm STILL not talking to you.
Me: *connect head to steering wheel*

*Fin*